Dapper Triangulation
by Caramelotti
Summary: A Caramelotti Publication: "You took a step towards becoming Blaine when you chopped off the mop, but now... Your eyebrows need SERIOUS maintenance!" CrissColfer RPF Crack!Fic


**Alright everyone, this fic is definitely something… Unique. It is also a CrissColfer rpf, so if you don't like rpf, gtfo. Anyway, this started out as a group of RP friends talking about Darren's eyebrows. I actually said something like "I swear, Darren's eyebrows get more trialg-ly as the days go by!" Then blairoline said "They used to be all obtuse!" And I replied "And now they're equilateral!" Thus, this fic. Every paragraph has been written by each of the seven of us, alternating turns. **

**During the editing process, we tried to make everything as cohesive as possible so that it didn't seem to be written by seven different people, so hopefully that shows. The seven writers contributing to this fic: Onlyonekamui, ohmygleek, tazitz, imadeafriendtoday, blairoline, lemonaidan, and singingwrenn. Go read their stuff, they are AWESOME! **

**When reading, please keep in mind that this was a spur of the moment thing and was written between the hours of 11pm and 4am, depending on what time zone you're in. We were tired, high on lack of sleep, and giggly as fuck. To sum it up, this is crack. Pure crack!fic. Just laugh and have a good time.**

The cast had just wrapped their final scene of season two and Darren was returning to his trailer. He didn't have much to do that episode, but filming had taken a couple of hours, so he was ready to just relax before he had to go on tour. Chris followed after him quickly, catching up.

"Can we talk for a second? There's something that's been bothering me." He'd had to stare at Darren for the last two hours of filming and he knew if they didn't take care of this NOW, it would drive him mad on the tour bus. Darren could only smile at Chris, unsure just what might pop out of his mouth next. He was right to be a little suspicious as Chris' mouth momentarily broke into a cheshire grin. The taller man followed him into the trailer and let himself rest against the counter. As Darren lay down on the couch, his eyes rested on Chris.

"What did you want to talk about?" There it was again, the sly grin on Chris' soft features. He opened his mouth and looked down at the ground, thinking of how exactly to word what he wanted to say. He took a deep breath and let it out.

"Darren, we need to do something about your eyebrows." He paused, turning red for finally admitting to what had been bothering him. Darren's jaw dropped and he raised one of his aforementioned eyebrows.

"What..." He started to say, but Chris cut him off.

"Seriously, Darren, you're playing Blaine Warbler Anderson. He's dapper as fuck, charmingly perfect, and so put together. You took a step towards becoming Blaine when you chopped off the mop, but now..." He gave Darren a weak smile. "Your eyebrows need some SERIOUS maintenance." Darren ran a finger over one of his eyebrows.

"C'mon, they're not that bad! They make me unique!" Chris stared down at the man.

"Really, Darren? They look like mini caterpillars perched above your eyes! Just let me shape them up a bit." Darren started to head towards the door, but was stopped by Chris, who forced the smaller man back down on the couch. "It'll only take a minute." he promised, pulling out a pair of tweezers and a protractor. "I'll have those triangles cleaned up before you know it."

"What are you doing? Why do you need that protractor?" Darren asked in confusion.

"Okay, look. If you want your eyebrows to be triangular, they at least have to add up to 180 degrees. Right now...they're not even close. Just let me help you." Chris explained. As Chris lowered the tweezers back to Darren's eyebrows, Darren's face showed a look of complete fear.

"Chris! Everyone recognizes me by these eyebrows! Don't ruin them!" Darren was horrified. Chris huffed in frustration.

"Darren I'm not ruining them, I'm fixing them!" Darren covered his face with his hands and Chris straddled him, attempting to pull them off. "I won't talk to you for the rest of the day unless you let me do this." Darren shook his head. "No interaction whatsoever." Darren raised his hands so he could see, but continued to cover his eyebrows. "Dammit Criss!" Chris said, exasperated, crossing his arms over his chest. Darren peeked out between his fingers, smirking as he suddenly jumped from the couch, dumped Chris from his lap, and made a dash for the door to the trailer.

Chris blinked, sitting on the floor a moment before he took off after Darren through the lot. Mark and Corey were on their way to their own trailer, Darren about to run past them. Chris yelled to them, "HEY! Grab him!" He grinned wickedly. The two laughing men heard yelling and quickly turned their heads in Chris' direction. Mark smiled devilishly and stuck his arm out fast to catch Darren in the chest and pulled him to a stop. Cory came up behind him and rested his hands on Darren's shoulders to march him right back into the trailer. Darren stumbled in and ran to the opposite end of the trailer, shutting the bathroom door and pushing himself against it. Cory, Mark and Chris looked at each other, Chris making a face at them.

"The man just does not know about the danger of his brows."

Cory smirked and said "Yeah, all of the fangirls have been commenting on their shape."

Mark chimed in, "I've even seen them referred to as tri-brows!" The three outside of the bathroom cracked up, Chris having to lean against the bathroom door to keep himself upright. All of a sudden, the door he was leaning against opened and Chris fell through, crashing into Darren's shins, and sending them both to the ground.

Darren propped himself up on his elbows, stating, "Your fucking bony arms and legs do nothing to keep a person from getting hurt in situations like this." Chris took advantage of the position they'd found themselves in, and turned around to keep Darren pinned under his body.

"Somebody, help me hold him down!" Mark quickly moved in to hold Darren's hands against the floor while Cory handed Chris the tweezers. "Just hold still, Darren! I don't want to poke your eye out!" Chris continued to pluck at the stray hairs.

"If you'd have just left my eyebrows alone in the first place, I wouldn't have to worry about losing an eye!"

"Just hold still! It'll be over before you know it! Would someone please hold his head in place?" Cory kneeled down to hold Darren's head in place.

"Ow! Do you have to dig your fingers into my scalp?" Chris looked down at Darren.

"Well if you would have just sat still in the first place, this could have been over by now and I wouldn't have had to recruit others to help restrain you!" Darren looked up fearfully at Chris who was now grinning at him manically. Darren couldn't move. He was being held down by two guys who were much bigger and stronger than him. He was sort of helpless.

"Chris... just... don't do anything too drastic." Darren said, resigned to his fate.

"Oh, don't worry." Chris responded. "I'm a professional. I've done this at least once before." Darren's eyes widened and Chris leaned closer to him, lining up the protractor to the perfect angle. "Here we go..." Chris said and lowered the tweezers to Darren's eyebrows. The younger man steadied his hand and pulled out the first hair.

Darren yelled loudly "FUCK! Chris! That hurt like hell!" Cory and Mark couldn't stop howling with laughter at Darren's evident pain. "You guys, this isn't funny! You don't know how much it hurts!" Mark paused his laughter to chime in.

"Yeah, because we don't have forests growing on our faces!" Chris glared at the uncooperative man.

"Darren, hold your head still or this is going to hurt a lot worse."

"Are you kidding me?" Darren yelped, trying to pull away from him again. "Chris STOP!"

"No! If I stop now, you'll be all uneven. I can't have you looking like a fool on tour." Chris said, taking another pluck. Darren cringed, struggling to free his head, but it was no use; he was stuck there. "If you didn't move so much, I'd be done faster... just saying." Chris concentrated as he pulled a few more hairs. Darren yelled and managed to pull away from the two men holding him and ran for the sink. He turned the faucet on and let the cold water fall over his fingers as he smoothed them over the one brow. Finally, he turned back to Chris, frowning.

"I don't know what the big issue was, they're MY eyebrows". Chris squinted and put his hands on his small hips.

"DARREN CRISS. If I am to be playing your hopelessly devoted companion, a la the indisputable Olivia Newton-John, then I need you to NOT have grizzly bears on your face." Darren closed his mouth and pouted.

"Fine… but I don't need to be held anymore!" Cory and Mark couldn't help but laugh at the two men bickering. Darren scowled at the duo. "Get out! Out, get the fuck out! You are NOT witnessing this anymore, you've already seen more than enough." He pointed his finger forcefully at the door and waited until the pair had left before turning back to Chris. "First, if we are continuing this, there ARE ground rules!" Chris rolled his eyes, but nodded for the older man to continue. "Thank you." He took a breath and held up one finger. "First, we have a safe word." Chris busted into laughter instantly. "Shut up, Colfer, and listen! A safe word because I'm not going to let you torture me if it's too much for me to handle!" Chris calmed down, but nodded.

"Alright, fine, a safe word. What shall our safe word be?" Darren thought for a second, looking around his room for inspiration. Finding none, he thought back into his recent memory and it hit him.

"Flamingo!" He declared. Chris gave him an incredulous look.

"What the fu... Flamingo?" Darren nodded.

"Yes, flamingo. Flamingo is our safe word. Now, rule two." He raised two fingers. Chris rolled his eyes.

"Fine, what's rule two?"

"Rule two: you're JUST cleaning them up around the edges, no funny business!"

Chris stood with his hands on his hips, "Isn't that all I wanted to do in the first place?" Darren glared. Chris continued. "Are there anymore rules, Princess Darren?" The shorter man shook and sat down on the couch. He took a deep breath, readying himself for the upcoming pain.

"Okay, let's get this over with." Chris smiled as he settled himself on Darren's lap. After getting himself comfortable, he started to work on Darren's eyebrows.

"That's the spirit!"

"OWW!" Darren yelped as Chris accidentally pinched his skin. "I'd like to keep my skin intact, thank you!"

Chris handed Darren a cool wash rag, "Sorry! First one's done, one to go! It's not so bad, right?" Darren looked at Chris.

"Well, if by not so bad you mean the pain of someone individually pulling out some of your nerve cells that are screaming to remain in your skin, then yes. It's not so bad." Darren said. Chris just laughed mockingly.

"Oh, you big baby." Chris started working on the other eyebrow, all the while maintaining their shape. "You know," Chris started. "This would go so much faster if we waxed them… But seeing as we are already halfway done..." Darren just glared at Chris.

"No WAY am I letting you wax my eyebrows! This is enough. I'm sure what you did is good enough. Thanks!" Darren said as he tried to get up.

"Wait, Darren! They look completely lopsided, I'm not finished!" Darren had already gotten up to look in the mirror. Half of his left eyebrow was still overly bushy and he wiggled it up and down, studying his reflection.

"It's like I'm letting go of a childhood toy or an imaginary friend." Chris tried not to laugh.

"You still have eyebrows, but now they just look nicer. Now, sit back down so I can finish."

"I really hate you, you know that?" Chris smirked again.

"Sit down and take it like a man, Darren. For god's sake, and I'm the one people mistake for a girl…" He sat down, pouting at the floor. The evil tweezers approached like the jaws of a malevolent creature ready to devour his very soul. Darren could feel the sweat dripping down the back of his neck as he anticipated the pain that would soon be arriving.

"Chris…" he whined.

"Darren…" Chris mimicked back. "Hold-" He grabbed Darren's shoulder. "-still-" Chris twisted his hand into Darren's hair and jerked his head back. "-or so help me god, I will plunge this piece of metal into your eye socket! Kapiche?" Darren gulped and watched the metal flash in the light as it approached his eyebrow, finally clenching his eyes shut. As a few more hairs were pulled, Chris bit his lip and moved closer to Darren, trying to access his brow. Darren tried to stay still, avoiding thinking about the pain. He could feel a sweat bead dripping down his neck and he opened his eyes to look at the man in front of him. Chris' eyes were fixed on the one brow, his cool fingers smoothing over the warm, hurt flesh underneath the line he was making. Darren sighed into the cool touch of Chris' steady hand. Chris laughed at the gesture. "Finally getting comfortable?" Darren nodded, realizing his mistake a second too late. Chris' hand slipped and the tweezers gouged a hole in his brow line.

"CHRIS!" He yelled, slapping his hand over his bleeding eye. Chris sat in his place on Darren's lap, stunned.

"I, I, oh my god, Darren, I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry!" He scrambled off of the older man's lap and looked for something to stop the bleeding. His eyes landed on a stack of abandoned Subway napkins and lunged at them. Gathering them in his hand, he resumed his previous position straddling Darren's lap, and moved his friends hand from his injured eye. "Here, oh my god, Darren, I'm..." He trailed off, putting steady pressure on the cut. Darren shook his head slightly, not wanting the napkins to fall.

"I know, Chris, I know. That was my fault, I shouldn't have nodded." He then laughed. Chris gave him a questioning look. Darren explained, "Well, now would be the time to use 'flamingo', huh?"

Chris chuckled, "Nice time to think of it!"

Darren rolled his eyes, "It's not like I had time to think!" Chris carefully removed the napkin to check if the bleeding had slowed.

"Yikes, I really got you good!" Chris stood up and went to grab the first aid kit. "You're going to need some antibiotic ointment on that or it'll scar." Chris rummaged through the box, pulling out the tube of ointment and a box of band aids, "Really? The only band aids in here have Harry Potter on them!" Darren glared at Chris.

"Are you going to insult my bandages or are you going to patch me up like a good friend?" Chris sighed and carried the supplies over to the couch where Darren was still holding a napkin to his eyebrow. Chris gently took the napkin from the cut, put some ointment on the cut, and pressed the bandage to cover it. "Ow! That stings!" Darren whined.

"Oh, you're such a child! Want me to kiss it and make it better?" Chris asked sarcastically.

Darren smirked, "Yes, please!" Chris rolled his eyes but complied, gently kissing Darren above the band aid. "You know what?" Darren started. "I don't think it would be that bad if it scarred. Then I wouldn't even need the band aids to be Harry Freakin' Potter!" Chris gave a chuckle at that one.

"Right, because then you would be the one true desire of ALL the girls."

Darren nodded, adding, "And some guys." Chris blushed slightly at the statement.

"Oh, but of course." Chris said. "How could I forget?" As he looked at his handiwork, he had to laugh.

"What is it? I don't like how you're laughing at my face." Darren said. "Oh, nothing." Chris smirked and added, "You just look ridiculous right now. Your eyebrows are half done, and you have a Harry Potter band aid on forehead." Darren let out a giggle and wiggled his uneven brows.

"Well aren't I just oh so attractive." Chris laughed.

"Well, you definitely shouldn't go out in public like this. The paparazzi would have a field day." Darren put on a pouty face.

"I thought everybody loved me."

Chris rolled his eyes and joked, "Is that what your mother told you?" Darren popped his mouth open in feigned offense. He smacked Chris' chest as the taller man got up and moved to the other side of the trailer.

"What are you doing now?" Darren asked, concerned for himself.

"I'm calling to make an appointment for you to get your eyebrows done professionally. They can't stay lopsided forever." Darren looked in the mirror.

"I don't know. They make me unique."

"Darren, you look like an idiot!" Chris stated bluntly.

"Thanks, Chris, love you too!" He exclaimed before scooping the brunette into a hug that lifted him off his feet.

"PUT ME DOWN!" Chris kicked his legs in the air. Darren dropped him back to the ground.

"That. Was. Payback!"

Chris gave his best friend a sly grin and replied "You're just lucky I'm not planning on going near you with a pair of tweezers ever again!"


End file.
